I'm Not Dead, I'm Not Dead!

Sorry everybody, I haven't had any time to post since I last posted. Been sooo busy! I had to work Friday night, then I had to work Saturday morning 9-3, then went to Dave's house, watched movies and hung out with his mom, then came home late, got up at 5am this morning, went to work, got off early at 10:30am, came home, showered super fast, and then got in the car and went to the city for this banquet thing for this scholarship I got. That took a few hours then we went to the mall and I bought more stuff from Hot Topic :D Yay! So now I'm FINALLY home. And I'm SO tired. I hate weekends, really I do. I never have any time. I'm working and got all this stuff goin on. Ooh, ooh!! Next weekend is Prom :D I'm a senior, but one of my junior guy friends asked me if I'd go with him and I said sure, why not. I borrowed a dress from a friend so I wouldn't have to wear the same one as last year. This dress is teal and really pretty. And this year I have a date (Brett) and I'm actually getting my hair done professionally instead of doing it myself. So this is my re-prom. I'm doing it right this year. Yay! So that means you all get prom pictures next weekend.Umm... I had some thoughts last night while I was laying in bed. Ok, since I had an ED which is mostly gone now I was thinking about my issues. And I realized that I have thought of myself as fat since first grade. I distinctly remember saying that I liked this one kid. And one of my friends said, "Why? He's fat!" And I said, "Well, I'm fat too, so we go together." Why the hell was I thinking of myself as fat at the age of 7? I wasn't fat, looking back at pictures. The only thing I can think of is that I was tall for my age. So I was wondering... Does being tall for your age coincide with ED later in life? Anybody know? I'm thinking about asking an anorexia community.The other thought I had the other day when I was driving by cows in the rain: What do you think they're thinking when it rains on them? They're out in the rain, just eatin grass, like nothing's goin on... But I hate getting rained on cuz I feel so damp and ucky so I wonder what the cows think.Umm...so I worked a lot this weekend and made a lot of money. I think I made a lil over a hundred in tips this weekend, which is good. Helped that we got a 14 dollar tip and a 20 dollar tip yesterday mornin. I love people who aren't from around here. :D So then I had to go spend my money on clothes from Hot Topic instead of saving for college, which is what I really should be doing. Shopping today was good though. Went with my parents. Helped my mom pick out a new outfit to wear to my graduation and a wedding and we didn't even fight bcuz I was able to hold back when I was getting impatient, and I think she appreciated that. I feel so bad sometimes for making my parents hate me so much. It's this bad cycle; they say bad things to me so I have given up trying to make them happy because they're never happy with me, and so they think I'm horrible and ahhhhhh!And I was thinking earlier that I want to cut tonite before I go to bed. But I don't want to but I do. Gah! I hate this. I want to do it but I don't want to and then I get all confused and just end up doing it and I like the pain so much. I was thinking that I should move somewhere less visible, but I like having the pain on my arms, and I hate looking at other parts of my body so much I don't think I could do it there. I hate my thighs. I can't look at them. I hate my stomach. I don't want to look at it while I'm cutting either. I think that I'm going to cut on my upper arm tonite, I'm kind of out of room on my forearm; I don't want to cut into any of the scars because I'm afraid it'll make em worse.So newayz...that's all I got. G'nite all.

So I'm Sittin Here...

I haven't taken a nap yet lol... I want to though, but I'm tryin to get out of that habit. Think I will anyway, I'm getting a headache. Yay for headaches!Umm...today was boring, just like every day of my life has been boring. I want to go shopping SO BAD, but I have no time to this weekend cuz of all the crap I got going on. Oh yeah, and I got in a fight with my mom last night and ended up cutting again. Stupidly I cut the word 'hate' into my upper arm...not very deep though, but you can see it. And then the usually parallel ones on my forearm, added a few to the row of scars. I feel dumb for scratching the words into my arm though. *frowny face* Hmm... That's about all I got, and I'm gonna try to go to Dave's house later. Adios all. *hugs*

I Love The Dresden Dolls!

I downloaded an album of theirs and it's good stuff :D Makes me wanna sing lots. Oooh! Dave just came over. We kissed for like a half an hour straight lol. I missed him. And then he fell asleep cuz he pulled an all-nighter last night and it was so cute; I was watching him sleep for once instead of him watching me sleep. These 2 hour naps after school are nice. This way I don't fall asleep on him all the time. Oooh!! Good news!! I got my psych packet done at school today, so I don't have to spend four hours tonite staying up late doing it. I also got my physics worksheet done, so I don't even have to worry bout that :D If only I had started filling out those scholarship forms or started that stupid essay for psych I'd be in great shape. Oh well. I already got three good scholarships for next year. And two of em are renewable. Awww...there's an adorable black leopard on Leno. It's soooo cute. I want a leopard. OHHHH! A zebra!! A baby zebra :D I want one of those too... I suppose that the leopard and the zebra can't sleep in the same room... Lol. Hmm...been resisting the urge to cut more all day. I think this sleeping so much thing is my way of not cutting. I want to cut, instead I go to sleep. Last night I went to bed at 9. That was even after I slept for like 2 hours. It's really pathetic. Oh well. Right now I'm not really tired for once and it's nice. I want to cut though. I'm thinkin I'm gonna do it before I go to bed. Sometimes it makes me sleep better, cuz letting it all out makes me all exhausted and then I sleep like the dead. Um... In other news, I'm gonna be on tv! Woo...On May 1 I have to go stand around with a bunch of people since I'm the valedictorian here. Yay. Oh well. And I got another stupid banquet this weekend. I'm getting so tired of all of this crap.

Ok...Here Are The Pants

Sorry bout the butt shot lol.

Woo! Induction Speech Done!

Took a two hour nap after I posted...Was so nice. My dad woke me up and was like "Do you have to get ready?" I thought it was morning, so I was like, "Huh? Ready for what?" And then I got all pretty and went to school and gave my speech and it wasn't hard at all. I even managed not to talk really really fast. I sounded "poised" according to my friends. Got to shake hands with all the new members while saying stupid things to them instead of congratulations. (It was an NHS induction; I'm an officer by some weird loss of sanity since I ran for office.) I'm really proud of myself. Yay. One step closer to The Big Speech. I don't wanna write it. Writing it is the hard part. But newayz...I'm watching tv and talking on the phone, so I should get goin. Adios all...

Today Is A Monday, Oh How I Hate Mondays

I went to work last night without a long sleeve shirt on. It was 80 degrees; there was no way I was going to wear a long sleeve shirt under my work shirt. So I hoped nobody would notice, and I don't think anybody did. That was good. And so I wore a short sleeve shirt to school today. And nobody noticed. I think most people don't just notice the inside of people's arms, so as long as I don't just accidentally make my forearms really noticeable I'm okay. I have my speech written for tonite. I don't want to give it, but it's okay. I'll live. I'm really hungry, but there's no good food around here. I think I'll take a nap instead. Talk to y'all later.

And The Pic Of The Day Is...

GIR!