I'm Not Dead, I'm Not Dead!

Sorry everybody, I haven't had any time to post since I last posted. Been sooo busy! I had to work Friday night, then I had to work Saturday morning 9-3, then went to Dave's house, watched movies and hung out with his mom, then came home late, got up at 5am this morning, went to work, got off early at 10:30am, came home, showered super fast, and then got in the car and went to the city for this banquet thing for this scholarship I got. That took a few hours then we went to the mall and I bought more stuff from Hot Topic :D Yay! So now I'm FINALLY home. And I'm SO tired. I hate weekends, really I do. I never have any time. I'm working and got all this stuff goin on. Ooh, ooh!! Next weekend is Prom :D I'm a senior, but one of my junior guy friends asked me if I'd go with him and I said sure, why not. I borrowed a dress from a friend so I wouldn't have to wear the same one as last year. This dress is teal and really pretty. And this year I have a date (Brett) and I'm actually getting my hair done professionally instead of doing it myself. So this is my re-prom. I'm doing it right this year. Yay! So that means you all get prom pictures next weekend.Umm... I had some thoughts last night while I was laying in bed. Ok, since I had an ED which is mostly gone now I was thinking about my issues. And I realized that I have thought of myself as fat since first grade. I distinctly remember saying that I liked this one kid. And one of my friends said, "Why? He's fat!" And I said, "Well, I'm fat too, so we go together." Why the hell was I thinking of myself as fat at the age of 7? I wasn't fat, looking back at pictures. The only thing I can think of is that I was tall for my age. So I was wondering... Does being tall for your age coincide with ED later in life? Anybody know? I'm thinking about asking an anorexia community.The other thought I had the other day when I was driving by cows in the rain: What do you think they're thinking when it rains on them? They're out in the rain, just eatin grass, like nothing's goin on... But I hate getting rained on cuz I feel so damp and ucky so I wonder what the cows think.Umm...so I worked a lot this weekend and made a lot of money. I think I made a lil over a hundred in tips this weekend, which is good. Helped that we got a 14 dollar tip and a 20 dollar tip yesterday mornin. I love people who aren't from around here. :D So then I had to go spend my money on clothes from Hot Topic instead of saving for college, which is what I really should be doing. Shopping today was good though. Went with my parents. Helped my mom pick out a new outfit to wear to my graduation and a wedding and we didn't even fight bcuz I was able to hold back when I was getting impatient, and I think she appreciated that. I feel so bad sometimes for making my parents hate me so much. It's this bad cycle; they say bad things to me so I have given up trying to make them happy because they're never happy with me, and so they think I'm horrible and ahhhhhh!And I was thinking earlier that I want to cut tonite before I go to bed. But I don't want to but I do. Gah! I hate this. I want to do it but I don't want to and then I get all confused and just end up doing it and I like the pain so much. I was thinking that I should move somewhere less visible, but I like having the pain on my arms, and I hate looking at other parts of my body so much I don't think I could do it there. I hate my thighs. I can't look at them. I hate my stomach. I don't want to look at it while I'm cutting either. I think that I'm going to cut on my upper arm tonite, I'm kind of out of room on my forearm; I don't want to cut into any of the scars because I'm afraid it'll make em worse.So newayz...that's all I got. G'nite all.