I'm Not Dead, I'm Not Dead!

Sorry everybody, I haven't had any time to post since I last posted. Been sooo busy! I had to work Friday night, then I had to work Saturday morning 9-3, then went to Dave's house, watched movies and hung out with his mom, then came home late, got up at 5am this morning, went to work, got off early at 10:30am, came home, showered super fast, and then got in the car and went to the city for this banquet thing for this scholarship I got. That took a few hours then we went to the mall and I bought more stuff from Hot Topic :D Yay! So now I'm FINALLY home. And I'm SO tired. I hate weekends, really I do. I never have any time. I'm working and got all this stuff goin on. Ooh, ooh!! Next weekend is Prom :D I'm a senior, but one of my junior guy friends asked me if I'd go with him and I said sure, why not. I borrowed a dress from a friend so I wouldn't have to wear the same one as last year. This dress is teal and really pretty. And this year I have a date (Brett) and I'm actually getting my hair done professionally instead of doing it myself. So this is my re-prom. I'm doing it right this year. Yay! So that means you all get prom pictures next weekend.Umm... I had some thoughts last night while I was laying in bed. Ok, since I had an ED which is mostly gone now I was thinking about my issues. And I realized that I have thought of myself as fat since first grade. I distinctly remember saying that I liked this one kid. And one of my friends said, "Why? He's fat!" And I said, "Well, I'm fat too, so we go together." Why the hell was I thinking of myself as fat at the age of 7? I wasn't fat, looking back at pictures. The only thing I can think of is that I was tall for my age. So I was wondering... Does being tall for your age coincide with ED later in life? Anybody know? I'm thinking about asking an anorexia community.The other thought I had the other day when I was driving by cows in the rain: What do you think they're thinking when it rains on them? They're out in the rain, just eatin grass, like nothing's goin on... But I hate getting rained on cuz I feel so damp and ucky so I wonder what the cows think.Umm...so I worked a lot this weekend and made a lot of money. I think I made a lil over a hundred in tips this weekend, which is good. Helped that we got a 14 dollar tip and a 20 dollar tip yesterday mornin. I love people who aren't from around here. :D So then I had to go spend my money on clothes from Hot Topic instead of saving for college, which is what I really should be doing. Shopping today was good though. Went with my parents. Helped my mom pick out a new outfit to wear to my graduation and a wedding and we didn't even fight bcuz I was able to hold back when I was getting impatient, and I think she appreciated that. I feel so bad sometimes for making my parents hate me so much. It's this bad cycle; they say bad things to me so I have given up trying to make them happy because they're never happy with me, and so they think I'm horrible and ahhhhhh!And I was thinking earlier that I want to cut tonite before I go to bed. But I don't want to but I do. Gah! I hate this. I want to do it but I don't want to and then I get all confused and just end up doing it and I like the pain so much. I was thinking that I should move somewhere less visible, but I like having the pain on my arms, and I hate looking at other parts of my body so much I don't think I could do it there. I hate my thighs. I can't look at them. I hate my stomach. I don't want to look at it while I'm cutting either. I think that I'm going to cut on my upper arm tonite, I'm kind of out of room on my forearm; I don't want to cut into any of the scars because I'm afraid it'll make em worse.So newayz...that's all I got. G'nite all.

So I'm Sittin Here...

I haven't taken a nap yet lol... I want to though, but I'm tryin to get out of that habit. Think I will anyway, I'm getting a headache. Yay for headaches!Umm...today was boring, just like every day of my life has been boring. I want to go shopping SO BAD, but I have no time to this weekend cuz of all the crap I got going on. Oh yeah, and I got in a fight with my mom last night and ended up cutting again. Stupidly I cut the word 'hate' into my upper arm...not very deep though, but you can see it. And then the usually parallel ones on my forearm, added a few to the row of scars. I feel dumb for scratching the words into my arm though. *frowny face* Hmm... That's about all I got, and I'm gonna try to go to Dave's house later. Adios all. *hugs*

I Love The Dresden Dolls!

I downloaded an album of theirs and it's good stuff :D Makes me wanna sing lots. Oooh! Dave just came over. We kissed for like a half an hour straight lol. I missed him. And then he fell asleep cuz he pulled an all-nighter last night and it was so cute; I was watching him sleep for once instead of him watching me sleep. These 2 hour naps after school are nice. This way I don't fall asleep on him all the time. Oooh!! Good news!! I got my psych packet done at school today, so I don't have to spend four hours tonite staying up late doing it. I also got my physics worksheet done, so I don't even have to worry bout that :D If only I had started filling out those scholarship forms or started that stupid essay for psych I'd be in great shape. Oh well. I already got three good scholarships for next year. And two of em are renewable. Awww...there's an adorable black leopard on Leno. It's soooo cute. I want a leopard. OHHHH! A zebra!! A baby zebra :D I want one of those too... I suppose that the leopard and the zebra can't sleep in the same room... Lol. Hmm...been resisting the urge to cut more all day. I think this sleeping so much thing is my way of not cutting. I want to cut, instead I go to sleep. Last night I went to bed at 9. That was even after I slept for like 2 hours. It's really pathetic. Oh well. Right now I'm not really tired for once and it's nice. I want to cut though. I'm thinkin I'm gonna do it before I go to bed. Sometimes it makes me sleep better, cuz letting it all out makes me all exhausted and then I sleep like the dead. Um... In other news, I'm gonna be on tv! Woo...On May 1 I have to go stand around with a bunch of people since I'm the valedictorian here. Yay. Oh well. And I got another stupid banquet this weekend. I'm getting so tired of all of this crap.

Ok...Here Are The Pants

Sorry bout the butt shot lol.

Woo! Induction Speech Done!

Took a two hour nap after I posted...Was so nice. My dad woke me up and was like "Do you have to get ready?" I thought it was morning, so I was like, "Huh? Ready for what?" And then I got all pretty and went to school and gave my speech and it wasn't hard at all. I even managed not to talk really really fast. I sounded "poised" according to my friends. Got to shake hands with all the new members while saying stupid things to them instead of congratulations. (It was an NHS induction; I'm an officer by some weird loss of sanity since I ran for office.) I'm really proud of myself. Yay. One step closer to The Big Speech. I don't wanna write it. Writing it is the hard part. But newayz...I'm watching tv and talking on the phone, so I should get goin. Adios all...

Today Is A Monday, Oh How I Hate Mondays

I went to work last night without a long sleeve shirt on. It was 80 degrees; there was no way I was going to wear a long sleeve shirt under my work shirt. So I hoped nobody would notice, and I don't think anybody did. That was good. And so I wore a short sleeve shirt to school today. And nobody noticed. I think most people don't just notice the inside of people's arms, so as long as I don't just accidentally make my forearms really noticeable I'm okay. I have my speech written for tonite. I don't want to give it, but it's okay. I'll live. I'm really hungry, but there's no good food around here. I think I'll take a nap instead. Talk to y'all later.

And The Pic Of The Day Is...

GIR!

Lonely

I miss Dave so much. I was just over there, and we were sleeping together in our underwear, and then I had to come home. And it was cold. And some stupid people were following me really close and it was kinda freakin me out. Megan, Nico, Dave and I went shopping today. It was great fun. We went to Hot Topic. I bought those pants :D Yay! They're black and they have red stitching on the backs of the legs and they rule. There's a red and black polka-dot skirt I'm going to get sometime soon too :D Umm...senior carnival was tonite. It sucked. It was kinda stupid, and I drug Dave along with and he was bored to death. But then it was over and then we went back to his apartment and life was good cuz we could cuddle. I can't wait until summer when I can spend all my time with him. Damn school. I have to write a speech tomorrow yet, before I go to work :( I don't like speeches, they suck. I don't know what I'm gonna say, prob just make some shit up :D So anyways, I can hardly keep my eyes open so g'nite.

Bored As HELL

Jeez I'm bored as hell. Just sittin in bed watching Foamy cartoons, wanting my damn pants, and missing my Dave like you wouldn't believe. He's got a shit ton of homework to do tonite, and he's freaking out, so I can't see him tonite even though I don't have school tomorrow. And I don't have to work til late, so I get to sleep in for once. I'm sad :( I really miss him. I don't know how I'm gonna manage next year, being an hour and a half away all the time, and being busy as hell with school...When are we gonna see eachother? I'm freaking out a bit, and I'm bored, which combined with the freaking, makes me wanna cut. A lot. But I'm trying not to so I can wear short sleeves after my scars fade a bit more. Erm...Damn. I want to so much. I think I'm gonna go take a shower; that'll give me something to do. Then maybe go watch a movie? Monty Python sounds like a good plan right about now. Keep myself busy.

Stomach Butterflies

Hmm...my dad happened to see some of the pics I've uploaded onto this. He asked about them. I said nevermind, he wouldn't. I told him that I did it. He only saw the one picture though, not the worse ones. So he was all "why?" and I was quite avoidant, but I have the feeling that it will be brought up in the future. Not something I feel like dealing with at the present time. :| *cracks back* My back hurts so much. I haven't been able to sleep very well lately cuz of it. Oooh, morbid factoid for the day: Back when, whever a Pope died they would hit him on the head three times with a silver hammer, each time asking "Are you dead? Are you dead? Are you dead?" to make sure that he was really dead. They don't do that anymore. I think that's hilarious. Don't wanna make God mad by burying a pope alive, so they kill him first. :D

Stomach Butterflies

Hmm...my dad happened to see some of the pics I've uploaded onto this. He asked about them. I said nevermind, he wouldn't. I told him that I did it. He only saw the one picture though, not the worse ones. So he was all "why?" and I was quite avoidant, but I have the feeling that it will be brought up in the future. Not something I feel like dealing with at the present time. :| *cracks back* My back hurts so much. I haven't been able to sleep very well lately cuz of it. Oooh, morbid factoid for the day: Back when, whever a Pope died they would hit him on the head three times with a silver hammer, each time asking "Are you dead? Are you dead? Are you dead?" to make sure that he was really dead. They don't do that anymore. I think that's hilarious. Don't wanna make God mad by burying a pope alive, so they kill him first. :D

Good News

I have great news! I'm not pregnant. For sure :D So that's one thing. I didn't go to school this morning though. Just didn't feel like it. Was feelin all down and periody, so I stayed home and slept in. Mom made me go to school this afternoon though since I have to work tonite. I'm drinking diet coke right now...yummy. I'm tired, and I don't want to go to work tonite :( I hate work. I hate school. I hate life lol. So anyways, there's my good news. Oh, and did I tell ya that my grandma got me a locket for confirmation? I put a picture of Dave and me in there last night. It's so cute. Dave came over last night and we walked to Subway and got some food, and then we walked back home. I love that boy. He kept me from doing all my homework last night lol, so that was another reason I had to stay home today ;) I miss him. He's working on some project right now, so I can't talk to him for like....20 mins lol. But that's all I got for now. Just gotta do some calc homework tonite.

Stuff

Here I am. Actually decided to go to school this morning. I wasn't going to, but I figured if I miss it it'll suck more to make it up. I'm not doing my shit ton of homework, but oh well. I'll just have to stay up all night. Again. It's so nice today. I'm just chillin. Hmm...watchin Oprah, wishin I were rich. Anyone wanna give me money? Dave came over last night. I spent 45 minutes crying in my room in the dark and cutting to make it stop before he came over around 10:30. He's so good; he just held me, ran his fingers through my hair and said "I'm here, don't worry." He held me like that and I fell asleep. Too bad that he left around midnight. But I felt immensely better. I was thinking last night, and I thought about some things I hadn't thought of in awhile, and analyzing that now, it really makes sense. I've been used a lot. At 12, a 20 year old guy felt me up. And I let him do it basically all summer since I went to the pool every day and that's where he was. I liked that a boy/man finally liked me. Looking back now, I realize how wrong it was. Then after that I met a guy who used me, and another and another until I luckily found Dave. I feel like such a whore when I think of all that. And my mother does nothing but remind me of it. She never saw how much I hurt inside, how insecure, how much I just needed someone to love me. She just constantly berates me, tells me what horrible things I've done, how I've made her life hell. But enough of that. Im gonna try to be happy :D

Here's My Messed-Up-ness

Confirmation

Confirmed tonite. Church was actually fun for once. Met Bishop Morlino. He's a pretty cool guy. I feel clean or something. Different at least. I feel like trying to start over. Stop doing some things. Like Dave. Even though that's been stopped for almost 2 weeks. Ever since that whole...yeah. So anyway. I was surprised. Two hour church went amazingly fast and I paid attention the whole time. :D Twas quite the experience. And I got my picture taken with the Bishop. The Pope died today. I heard somewhere that there is only one pope after John Paul... Then the Second Coming. Some prophet prophesized. Well, people are here now, so I should go be social. This IS my party, after all. Adios.

Paper Done, Woo

Just finished the paper. With sources it's nine pages. Whoa. Feelin a bit light-headed right now. Sleepy and on caffeine buzz... Gettin my favorite caffeine headache. Good thing tomorrow is Friday. I gotta work at 6. But then I got solo/ensemble on Saturday, and then Confirmation. Then reception at my house. Then a lil sleep, then gotta get up and work Sunday. ...Hope I don't have much weekend homework. *sighs* I HATE SCHOOL! And next Wednesday is my next appt. I wonder if after I tell him all this he'll want to see me more than once every three weeks. Hmmm... Dun wanna think about it...*watches more Leno*I've been in a good mood all night, until I got a weird "I'm Pregnant" vibe and freaked out a lil. I feel like throwin up now. :( I don't think that there's any way I could be, but who knows. My luck I am. I'll keep all zero of you posted as to whether I am or not. God I hope not.

Nearly Done...

Hmm...today I felt like ass, and it showed. I called my look "hobo chic" today. I didn't match, my hair was a mess, and then to top it off I threw on a huge baggy grey sweatshirt. I just got home from school, and I put in The Incredibles. So that guarantees I won't start the paper until after 6. Oh well. I'm a procrastinater by nature. I really need to stop eating. I don't think I'm gonna eat tomorrow. I feel so fat with Easter and not being able to stop eating. I'm getting so fat. And I cut myself more last night. My arm looks like shit. Before it wasn't noticable, but these new ones are really red and obvious. I can't wear short sleeves for a long time. At least not in public. Makes me wish my parents knew in a way, just so I didn't have to feel so self-conscious at home. But I would anyway, not wanting them to know how much/how often I do it now. Like, every day. Today I haven't.Guess what!!!! Dave just stopped over! He got his hair cut! He hasn't cut it since we've been going out, like a year and a half. It was past his shoulders. Now he's all clean-cut. Looks like one of those jock guys. *winks* I was surprised, and I couldn't stop smiling. He had to leave because he has a class at 5:30. Before he left he gave me a piggy back ride, kissed me, and then kissed my cuts. He is so sweet. He says he isn't ok with it, and he doesn't like it, but he still loves me so much, and he knows its just a coping thing. So he doesn't get super upset anymore, but he still looks so sad. I love him so much. *big big smiles*Hmmm...gotta start thinkin about that valedictorian speech. I hate school, but yet I'm the valedictorian. How does that happen? Everybody tells me I'm smart, but I don't feel like I deserve it. But anyways, the money is mine. Now I need to do the speech. Hmm..what to say, what to say? How bout "I hate you all, thanks for finally freeing me! Mwuhahaha!!" And then I light the school on fire. Lol...ok so no. But it would be fun. So many people, all judging me as I stand there and flounder... Mmmm...pressure. Yay.

I Hate School

I have such a headache. My demonstration sucked, but it's ok, because it's over now. I hate it when people expect things from you. I never live up to their expectations, and then when they're disappointed I feel like shit. So yeah. And Megan and I's duet really sucks. And it's storming here. I'm tired, so I think I'll call Dave soon so I can sleep. More later.

What A Freakin Day

Jeez, I just had a shitty day. I spent the day basically wasting time at school. Ended up doing nothing in like 5 classes. Of 8. Couldn't start my poster, so I just read a book. For 5 hours. And I felt weird all day like I don't belong anywhere. I was mad at myself because I didn't bring my purse to school so I could cut cuz I felt so bad. So I came home, went to my room, put on my headphones to drown out the world, and did my arm some more. God, I'm getting bad. I didn't tell Dave. Dave thinks everything's fine. I feel so bad. I don't want to make him sad, and it makes him so sad when he knows. I have to start that project, but I just want to sit here in my sweats and cry. I feel like everything's falling apart. I just don't know what to do. I have so much shit to think about, so much shit to do, places to be, stuff I keep forgetting. *sighs*Oh yeah, and even more wonderful, I was sitting at lunch, and we were talking about where this girl, Jessica, is now since she dropped out of school. I used to work with her, so I know she's pregnant, and trying to get an abortion. So then we were all, How could you do that? and I could never do that. I took this opportunity to bring up the morning after pill, and asked Kristen what she thought. "Oh my God, I could never ever do that. I'd feel so bad! You should have to deal with what you do." So yeah, I felt just freakin great after that. I didn't want to do it, but it was really complicated. Dave wanted me to, so he felt better, and he got the damn thing, so when he wanted me to take it and looked like he was gonna cry, what was I supposed to do? I cried after I took it, and he held me, and I got sick, and he held me. It's over now. I still feel shitty when I think of it. It's just worse knowing that one of your friends would look down on you even more if she knew.So now I think I'm gonna take a little nap or something before I start my poster/presentation. I need one. Hopefully I wake up and don't sleep all night though. Jeez.

Back From School

Yeah, doing nothing. Went to school today, didn't do much. I hate school. I have like two friends. And a few other people that I kind of hang with. And I can never say anything to anyone. I never know what to say. So usually I just sit there and stare, and talk to Nikki about stuff. And she makes fun of fat people and her dad, and talks, and I listen. And Kristen complains, and I listen. And Brett spazzes out, and I join him. I love that kid. So anyways, right now I'm talkin to Matt and he's trying to get me to move to Spokane. Umm... I really got nothing to say.I hate Easter candy. It's so yummy! How can I resist thee, Jellybeans? Hahaha. Mmmm...I like da pink ones :) Ooh, I wore my shoes that I made today. A lot of people noticed them and complimented them. Funny how that happens, sometimes I'm noticed, sometimes I'm not. But they're hot pink checkered. I used permanent marker and put pink squares all over them. I'm thinkin I wanna make another pair. Gotta go to Wal-Mart and buy some generic white shoes again. Hmm...thinkin of a design.I ended up doing it again last night after I posted. I don't know why. Just wanted to. I feel so weird... It's messed how much I've started wanting it. Just kinda makes me feel there and I like the hurt. Then Dave came over and he could tell something was wrong and wouldn't leave me alone, so I told him. And he pulled up my sleeve and looked. And it made him feel so bad, I didn't know what to say. I felt like such a bad person. So I just hugged him and cried. And he made me promise to call him when I want to do it again. I don't think I will. I feel really bad about that, but I'm being truthful when I say I just don't want to call him when I want to do it.

I Don't Wanna Go Back

School starts today again. I should be getting ready but I'm not. I just don't want to go back. I was enjoying having lazy days and not worrying about deadlines. But oh well. I'm gonna go put in my contacts and put on some shoes. It's supposed to be like 70 today, yay! I bought some longsleeve tshirt-jackets...I don't know how to describe them. They're like zip up hoodies but really thin material so I don't overheat and die. It's good. So I'm gonna wear one of those and jeans...or capris... Do capris actually look good on anyone? They make me look stubby, but I wear them anyway. *sigh* Can I just be sick and stay in bed all day? No? Damn. Okay, here I go...Note: I really like this song...I'll download it later when I have time.

Good News

So yeah, good news. Been resisting the urge to be bad all day, especially since I had to go to my grandma's for dinner. I feel so awkward whenever I'm at family functions. Like I can't say what I want to, and they all don't like me. I get the guilt trip feeling too. But I excused myself early, drove home, and started the 5 hours of psychology...And got about 3 hours of it done!! Which made me feel good. It helped though that I had no distractions as my family was still at my grandma's. Then my dad went to get my supplies I needed from his shop. Surprise, he brings home my project--already put together and working for me. So now all I have left is the presentation part, which is easy now that I know what I'm working with. I'm feeling in pretty good shape, and I got a surprise call from Dave, and he's coming over. I still want to cut, want to feel the pain...but I know things are ok, I keep telling myself that and life is good. I really don't know why I do it. I only do it on my arm (right since I'm a lefty) and I keep wanting to do it more and more. I feel so messed up. *breathes* But it's a good day. It really is. Besides the family crap, I'm actually catching up with my work. I'm dreading going back to school tomorrow :( I really really don't want to go. I'm going to be so glad to leave it. Glad, but at the same time scared. Because I'm heading to the city, where I won't know anyone, and won't know where anything is.

I'm up, I'm up! What more do you want of me?

Okay, I just woke up and showered. I feel really fat. Especially since I think my pants shrank in the wash. I hate that they do that. Cuz you feel so much worse when you put them on. Doesn't help that there is more candy in the house than there ever has been. Woo... So yeah, I'm heading to church in about an hour. I hate church. Then I'm going to my grandma's to feel awkward around my aunts and uncles, and then I'm coming home to start this homework that I really should start... Got about 5 or so hours of psychology work due on Tuesday. *frowns* And a presentation for physics due Wednesday. Thing about that is, I haven't made my lil project yet, and haven't thought about my presentation yet. So I'm trying not to freak out. I've just been feeling so odd lately. No motivation at all. Just feeling like nothing matters. Dave's noticed, and he feels bad, and him feeling bad makes me feel worse. I don't like making him worry about me, so I hide most of it. He's just noticed the apathy. I cut again two nights ago... I went to Wal-Mart earlier that day and bought an exacto knife. I know that's bad. It's easier to control than other things. I'm thinking that when I go again to my psychologist in a week and a half that I should tell him about the cutting. I mean, I did once, back when I started seeing him, but that was just when I had first started and he told me that I shouldn't feel weird because lots of people do it, and he asked if I had any scars, and I showed him the few I had from just doing it that one time a few weeks before. He told me that I shouldn't be too worried, and that the urge to do it should subside with me getting help like this. So yeah, now we just talk about my parental relationship problems, hell, my Social relationship problems, my body image problems, my hatred of myself... I dunno. I haven't been able to say, "Ya know Steve, I still keep cutting myself." Fuck, I just can't. I hate The Look that you get when people find stuff out about you. A kid at school saw my arm once, and he asked if I cut. And he gave me The Look. I don't want pity, and I don't want to be treated differently. And I don't want to make Dave worry, so I'm not going to tell him unless he sees. So anyways, I should go call him cuz I said I would. Happy Easter.

Welkommen

Or something like that. So yeah, here's my new blog. Welcome to my new blog. *throws a party for all of you not reading it* Just wanna say hello, I'm working on getting my settings right, and if you wanna know more about my crazy self go look at my other blog, id: schwarzesschaf. Thanx :DI'm on spring break right now, so I'm not up to a whole lot. Just hanging out on the laptop and fearing the future. Yay college!! So anyways, more later.