I'm up, I'm up! What more do you want of me?

Okay, I just woke up and showered. I feel really fat. Especially since I think my pants shrank in the wash. I hate that they do that. Cuz you feel so much worse when you put them on. Doesn't help that there is more candy in the house than there ever has been. Woo... So yeah, I'm heading to church in about an hour. I hate church. Then I'm going to my grandma's to feel awkward around my aunts and uncles, and then I'm coming home to start this homework that I really should start... Got about 5 or so hours of psychology work due on Tuesday. *frowns* And a presentation for physics due Wednesday. Thing about that is, I haven't made my lil project yet, and haven't thought about my presentation yet. So I'm trying not to freak out. I've just been feeling so odd lately. No motivation at all. Just feeling like nothing matters. Dave's noticed, and he feels bad, and him feeling bad makes me feel worse. I don't like making him worry about me, so I hide most of it. He's just noticed the apathy. I cut again two nights ago... I went to Wal-Mart earlier that day and bought an exacto knife. I know that's bad. It's easier to control than other things. I'm thinking that when I go again to my psychologist in a week and a half that I should tell him about the cutting. I mean, I did once, back when I started seeing him, but that was just when I had first started and he told me that I shouldn't feel weird because lots of people do it, and he asked if I had any scars, and I showed him the few I had from just doing it that one time a few weeks before. He told me that I shouldn't be too worried, and that the urge to do it should subside with me getting help like this. So yeah, now we just talk about my parental relationship problems, hell, my Social relationship problems, my body image problems, my hatred of myself... I dunno. I haven't been able to say, "Ya know Steve, I still keep cutting myself." Fuck, I just can't. I hate The Look that you get when people find stuff out about you. A kid at school saw my arm once, and he asked if I cut. And he gave me The Look. I don't want pity, and I don't want to be treated differently. And I don't want to make Dave worry, so I'm not going to tell him unless he sees. So anyways, I should go call him cuz I said I would. Happy Easter.