Stuff

Here I am. Actually decided to go to school this morning. I wasn't going to, but I figured if I miss it it'll suck more to make it up. I'm not doing my shit ton of homework, but oh well. I'll just have to stay up all night. Again. It's so nice today. I'm just chillin. Hmm...watchin Oprah, wishin I were rich. Anyone wanna give me money? Dave came over last night. I spent 45 minutes crying in my room in the dark and cutting to make it stop before he came over around 10:30. He's so good; he just held me, ran his fingers through my hair and said "I'm here, don't worry." He held me like that and I fell asleep. Too bad that he left around midnight. But I felt immensely better. I was thinking last night, and I thought about some things I hadn't thought of in awhile, and analyzing that now, it really makes sense. I've been used a lot. At 12, a 20 year old guy felt me up. And I let him do it basically all summer since I went to the pool every day and that's where he was. I liked that a boy/man finally liked me. Looking back now, I realize how wrong it was. Then after that I met a guy who used me, and another and another until I luckily found Dave. I feel like such a whore when I think of all that. And my mother does nothing but remind me of it. She never saw how much I hurt inside, how insecure, how much I just needed someone to love me. She just constantly berates me, tells me what horrible things I've done, how I've made her life hell. But enough of that. Im gonna try to be happy :D

Here's My Messed-Up-ness

Confirmation

Confirmed tonite. Church was actually fun for once. Met Bishop Morlino. He's a pretty cool guy. I feel clean or something. Different at least. I feel like trying to start over. Stop doing some things. Like Dave. Even though that's been stopped for almost 2 weeks. Ever since that whole...yeah. So anyway. I was surprised. Two hour church went amazingly fast and I paid attention the whole time. :D Twas quite the experience. And I got my picture taken with the Bishop. The Pope died today. I heard somewhere that there is only one pope after John Paul... Then the Second Coming. Some prophet prophesized. Well, people are here now, so I should go be social. This IS my party, after all. Adios.

Paper Done, Woo

Just finished the paper. With sources it's nine pages. Whoa. Feelin a bit light-headed right now. Sleepy and on caffeine buzz... Gettin my favorite caffeine headache. Good thing tomorrow is Friday. I gotta work at 6. But then I got solo/ensemble on Saturday, and then Confirmation. Then reception at my house. Then a lil sleep, then gotta get up and work Sunday. ...Hope I don't have much weekend homework. *sighs* I HATE SCHOOL! And next Wednesday is my next appt. I wonder if after I tell him all this he'll want to see me more than once every three weeks. Hmmm... Dun wanna think about it...*watches more Leno*I've been in a good mood all night, until I got a weird "I'm Pregnant" vibe and freaked out a lil. I feel like throwin up now. :( I don't think that there's any way I could be, but who knows. My luck I am. I'll keep all zero of you posted as to whether I am or not. God I hope not.

Nearly Done...

Hmm...today I felt like ass, and it showed. I called my look "hobo chic" today. I didn't match, my hair was a mess, and then to top it off I threw on a huge baggy grey sweatshirt. I just got home from school, and I put in The Incredibles. So that guarantees I won't start the paper until after 6. Oh well. I'm a procrastinater by nature. I really need to stop eating. I don't think I'm gonna eat tomorrow. I feel so fat with Easter and not being able to stop eating. I'm getting so fat. And I cut myself more last night. My arm looks like shit. Before it wasn't noticable, but these new ones are really red and obvious. I can't wear short sleeves for a long time. At least not in public. Makes me wish my parents knew in a way, just so I didn't have to feel so self-conscious at home. But I would anyway, not wanting them to know how much/how often I do it now. Like, every day. Today I haven't.Guess what!!!! Dave just stopped over! He got his hair cut! He hasn't cut it since we've been going out, like a year and a half. It was past his shoulders. Now he's all clean-cut. Looks like one of those jock guys. *winks* I was surprised, and I couldn't stop smiling. He had to leave because he has a class at 5:30. Before he left he gave me a piggy back ride, kissed me, and then kissed my cuts. He is so sweet. He says he isn't ok with it, and he doesn't like it, but he still loves me so much, and he knows its just a coping thing. So he doesn't get super upset anymore, but he still looks so sad. I love him so much. *big big smiles*Hmmm...gotta start thinkin about that valedictorian speech. I hate school, but yet I'm the valedictorian. How does that happen? Everybody tells me I'm smart, but I don't feel like I deserve it. But anyways, the money is mine. Now I need to do the speech. Hmm..what to say, what to say? How bout "I hate you all, thanks for finally freeing me! Mwuhahaha!!" And then I light the school on fire. Lol...ok so no. But it would be fun. So many people, all judging me as I stand there and flounder... Mmmm...pressure. Yay.

I Hate School

I have such a headache. My demonstration sucked, but it's ok, because it's over now. I hate it when people expect things from you. I never live up to their expectations, and then when they're disappointed I feel like shit. So yeah. And Megan and I's duet really sucks. And it's storming here. I'm tired, so I think I'll call Dave soon so I can sleep. More later.

What A Freakin Day

Jeez, I just had a shitty day. I spent the day basically wasting time at school. Ended up doing nothing in like 5 classes. Of 8. Couldn't start my poster, so I just read a book. For 5 hours. And I felt weird all day like I don't belong anywhere. I was mad at myself because I didn't bring my purse to school so I could cut cuz I felt so bad. So I came home, went to my room, put on my headphones to drown out the world, and did my arm some more. God, I'm getting bad. I didn't tell Dave. Dave thinks everything's fine. I feel so bad. I don't want to make him sad, and it makes him so sad when he knows. I have to start that project, but I just want to sit here in my sweats and cry. I feel like everything's falling apart. I just don't know what to do. I have so much shit to think about, so much shit to do, places to be, stuff I keep forgetting. *sighs*Oh yeah, and even more wonderful, I was sitting at lunch, and we were talking about where this girl, Jessica, is now since she dropped out of school. I used to work with her, so I know she's pregnant, and trying to get an abortion. So then we were all, How could you do that? and I could never do that. I took this opportunity to bring up the morning after pill, and asked Kristen what she thought. "Oh my God, I could never ever do that. I'd feel so bad! You should have to deal with what you do." So yeah, I felt just freakin great after that. I didn't want to do it, but it was really complicated. Dave wanted me to, so he felt better, and he got the damn thing, so when he wanted me to take it and looked like he was gonna cry, what was I supposed to do? I cried after I took it, and he held me, and I got sick, and he held me. It's over now. I still feel shitty when I think of it. It's just worse knowing that one of your friends would look down on you even more if she knew.So now I think I'm gonna take a little nap or something before I start my poster/presentation. I need one. Hopefully I wake up and don't sleep all night though. Jeez.

Back From School

Yeah, doing nothing. Went to school today, didn't do much. I hate school. I have like two friends. And a few other people that I kind of hang with. And I can never say anything to anyone. I never know what to say. So usually I just sit there and stare, and talk to Nikki about stuff. And she makes fun of fat people and her dad, and talks, and I listen. And Kristen complains, and I listen. And Brett spazzes out, and I join him. I love that kid. So anyways, right now I'm talkin to Matt and he's trying to get me to move to Spokane. Umm... I really got nothing to say.I hate Easter candy. It's so yummy! How can I resist thee, Jellybeans? Hahaha. Mmmm...I like da pink ones :) Ooh, I wore my shoes that I made today. A lot of people noticed them and complimented them. Funny how that happens, sometimes I'm noticed, sometimes I'm not. But they're hot pink checkered. I used permanent marker and put pink squares all over them. I'm thinkin I wanna make another pair. Gotta go to Wal-Mart and buy some generic white shoes again. Hmm...thinkin of a design.I ended up doing it again last night after I posted. I don't know why. Just wanted to. I feel so weird... It's messed how much I've started wanting it. Just kinda makes me feel there and I like the hurt. Then Dave came over and he could tell something was wrong and wouldn't leave me alone, so I told him. And he pulled up my sleeve and looked. And it made him feel so bad, I didn't know what to say. I felt like such a bad person. So I just hugged him and cried. And he made me promise to call him when I want to do it again. I don't think I will. I feel really bad about that, but I'm being truthful when I say I just don't want to call him when I want to do it.

I Don't Wanna Go Back

School starts today again. I should be getting ready but I'm not. I just don't want to go back. I was enjoying having lazy days and not worrying about deadlines. But oh well. I'm gonna go put in my contacts and put on some shoes. It's supposed to be like 70 today, yay! I bought some longsleeve tshirt-jackets...I don't know how to describe them. They're like zip up hoodies but really thin material so I don't overheat and die. It's good. So I'm gonna wear one of those and jeans...or capris... Do capris actually look good on anyone? They make me look stubby, but I wear them anyway. *sigh* Can I just be sick and stay in bed all day? No? Damn. Okay, here I go...Note: I really like this song...I'll download it later when I have time.

Good News

So yeah, good news. Been resisting the urge to be bad all day, especially since I had to go to my grandma's for dinner. I feel so awkward whenever I'm at family functions. Like I can't say what I want to, and they all don't like me. I get the guilt trip feeling too. But I excused myself early, drove home, and started the 5 hours of psychology...And got about 3 hours of it done!! Which made me feel good. It helped though that I had no distractions as my family was still at my grandma's. Then my dad went to get my supplies I needed from his shop. Surprise, he brings home my project--already put together and working for me. So now all I have left is the presentation part, which is easy now that I know what I'm working with. I'm feeling in pretty good shape, and I got a surprise call from Dave, and he's coming over. I still want to cut, want to feel the pain...but I know things are ok, I keep telling myself that and life is good. I really don't know why I do it. I only do it on my arm (right since I'm a lefty) and I keep wanting to do it more and more. I feel so messed up. *breathes* But it's a good day. It really is. Besides the family crap, I'm actually catching up with my work. I'm dreading going back to school tomorrow :( I really really don't want to go. I'm going to be so glad to leave it. Glad, but at the same time scared. Because I'm heading to the city, where I won't know anyone, and won't know where anything is.

I'm up, I'm up! What more do you want of me?

Okay, I just woke up and showered. I feel really fat. Especially since I think my pants shrank in the wash. I hate that they do that. Cuz you feel so much worse when you put them on. Doesn't help that there is more candy in the house than there ever has been. Woo... So yeah, I'm heading to church in about an hour. I hate church. Then I'm going to my grandma's to feel awkward around my aunts and uncles, and then I'm coming home to start this homework that I really should start... Got about 5 or so hours of psychology work due on Tuesday. *frowns* And a presentation for physics due Wednesday. Thing about that is, I haven't made my lil project yet, and haven't thought about my presentation yet. So I'm trying not to freak out. I've just been feeling so odd lately. No motivation at all. Just feeling like nothing matters. Dave's noticed, and he feels bad, and him feeling bad makes me feel worse. I don't like making him worry about me, so I hide most of it. He's just noticed the apathy. I cut again two nights ago... I went to Wal-Mart earlier that day and bought an exacto knife. I know that's bad. It's easier to control than other things. I'm thinking that when I go again to my psychologist in a week and a half that I should tell him about the cutting. I mean, I did once, back when I started seeing him, but that was just when I had first started and he told me that I shouldn't feel weird because lots of people do it, and he asked if I had any scars, and I showed him the few I had from just doing it that one time a few weeks before. He told me that I shouldn't be too worried, and that the urge to do it should subside with me getting help like this. So yeah, now we just talk about my parental relationship problems, hell, my Social relationship problems, my body image problems, my hatred of myself... I dunno. I haven't been able to say, "Ya know Steve, I still keep cutting myself." Fuck, I just can't. I hate The Look that you get when people find stuff out about you. A kid at school saw my arm once, and he asked if I cut. And he gave me The Look. I don't want pity, and I don't want to be treated differently. And I don't want to make Dave worry, so I'm not going to tell him unless he sees. So anyways, I should go call him cuz I said I would. Happy Easter.